The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
