I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
