so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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