you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
so much tequila, so little girl.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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