theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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