I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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