Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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