apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
