I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Welp...herpes.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
