new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
