So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
