remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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