I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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