What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
