its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
