I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize