Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
