dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
