I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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