just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize