I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
