I can tuck mytits in my pants
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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