This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize