I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
