I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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