After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
