if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
