You're my little dorito
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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