; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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