i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
