i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
