I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I yelled at your uterus for you.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
