I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
