After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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