Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
