FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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