I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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