Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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