I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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