Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize