I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
