I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
We need to rekindle our bromance
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You were trust falling into bushes
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
