I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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