In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
