two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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