i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize