Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
