Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
