I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
