My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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