I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
