My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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