thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
it's like heaven, but drunker
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
