So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
