Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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