tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
