I think I won the penis lottery.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
