Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
