Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
