Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
