I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
