Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I have already put on my inside pants.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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